A Beautiful Time of Year
This is a beautiful time of year. I LOVE IT!
I noticed the change when we were driving down 52 into Chelsea. Yellow, gold, red… It was a gorgeous drive: bright, sunny, with a crispness in the early-morning air. The traffic was light for a weekday, so we got to the hospital about twenty minutes early. We both sat and waited calmly for a whole five minutes before they called Amy back for her CT scan. Simple, simple. Yay!
Until…
She asked Amy where it hurts.
A total mess. All she wanted was to get the imaging and go. Please… don’t ask me any questions.
Then came the best question of the day: Where do you want to go for lunch? MEXICAN! We ended up at a hole-in-the-wall joint in Ann Arbor that has been there for years. I’ve seen it for years and never been, even though we drive down Liberty all of the time. We’d been trying to decide between only a few places in town as we went down the freeway, and this was not our first choice, but it was Mexican through and through. A pork tamale and a pineapple tamale. Awesome!
Afterward, we took a detour through Costco on the way home. We hadn’t been in a while, and it’s payday. Amy was in no mood to shop. She didn’t want to be there, and she didn’t want to spend any money, money they don’t have, money that has already been spoken for. So what did they do? They picked up a few needless things and then came home to reality.
Not long after they got in, Amy went outside to call Aaron. They’d been playing a little phone tag, and she missed him so much that they talked for three and a half hours.
Lost…
2:27 AM.
She has no idea what took place between then and now. Sometime around 1 AM, she heard who she thought was Jason getting ready to leave for work. It wasn’t. It was Logan, coming in from a night out with his buddies. I never knew he’d even left his room. I’d been on the couch and asleep not long after we came in, so I hadn’t a clue, and it startled me when I realized who it was. I seriously thought it was Jason.
Planting for Spring
It took a few minutes, but she then realized it was Friday night, the beginning of a new weekend. Ugh. Thank God I have bulbs to plant. They came in the mail yesterday afternoon, and they’ll keep me busy during Saturday college football. Who cares… NOT ME.
Tulips and daffodils… here I come.
Nala is all over me. Nudge-nudge-rub-purr… I love her so. I’m tired. My brain is tired.
P.S. Aaron gave Amy something she has needed for years, something she is absolutely not getting at home. It’s all about the plan. He is there. He will be there. He has been there all along, unlike some others (and boy, is she sick of those others). He gave her ideas. He told her some facts. He gave her something she has never had since she started this. Positive waves, man…
She has some work to do. The first line of work is to get outside in the garden. It’s time to plant the spring flowers, and they are going to be all over the place. Right now it is a little too cold to start digging, but that can (will) change in a moment. A high today of 67. Perfect. But that’s not until around 3 PM, and it’s 9:14 AM.
Ugh.
I had a good night’s sleep last night. I was outside planting yesterday from early morning until right before Rod and Marcia got here for cards. Flowers all over. And I’m still not done. I’ll finish up today after church, with Jason dropping me off while he goes to Lowe’s for a few small things for the garden.
Church was good. It was a smaller crowd, but the sermon was good, and it was nice seeing Sherry and Nancy. Sherry was solo, without Charlie. Nancy and I are trying to plan a day for me to go over to her house and help with her yard, to get it ready for winter. Who knows what I’m getting myself into, but this will be good. To help, and to give back.
By the afternoon, I had a pounding headache. It had been hanging around all day. I even took an extra-strength Tylenol when I woke up, in hopes it would be gone by the time I got to church. It never really went away, and now it feels like my head is bleeding. No light. No movement. No talking. No… noise. (Except what is outside on the other side of the wall.) More often than not, the sound of the water can trick my brain into calmness, but right now, her head is ready to explode. Aummm…
Still, it’s beautiful out this afternoon. That is all I can think when I look out. The trees are changing color more and more, and when the sun shines on the leaves, they look like they are glowing and on fire. (I would like to disappear into it.) HOW?? It’s my favorite part of the year.
But this fall isn’t holding something I thoroughly enjoy: fantasy football. I think this is going to be my last year of playing. It is not fun anymore. It’s not like before, and it’s not because I am 0 and 4. Lol. It’s because I don’t want to be here.
Better yet, I would like to be here alone. Just me and my yard. The trees, grass, and flowers. And the animals. We shall not forget the animals. Diamond and Nala stay right here.
Everybody else? Go away now!
Please…
Everybody.
Wandering in the Early Hours
It’s 2 AM, and it’s hot. Time to open a door. Oh my… my head. It hurts. Why, you ask?
Example…
“Amy, I have to take the car today, tonight, this morning, because it is parked behind Logan.”
(Because I can’t move it myself.)
LMFAO… Not at three in the morning, I can’t. This was after Jason and I talked about easing up on the miles on the car, and about him taking the Jeep a little more regularly. And it was after I told him I wanted to go exercise this morning because I have an appointment with Sharon at 4:45 PM.
It just doesn’t matter.
I am going to have to change it. Mondays and Wednesdays are out. I don’t know why I schedule my things on the wrong days. I get so flustered. I think it’s the people. I hate talking to people. Always an issue. By the way, I am not giving up my yoga class.
Yet.
Maybe…
I have things to cancel. My mental health is number one. (To me and only me.) Me… myself… and I…
Do you know what’s funny? I have/want to cancel my therapist appointment.
Perfect.
Trying to Find My Way
It’s 5 AM on the dot. I’ve been up for a while, wandering around, trying to make sense of things. Not a good feeling to have, especially this early in the morning. You know, I’ve had it my whole life: the same questions on different days of the week.
What do I do, where do I go, and how do I get there?
These are the questions she has been trying to find the answers to for some time. I am fifty-seven years old. If I haven’t found them yet, I probably never will. I’m sure…
I woke up to the kitchen light and Jason fumbling around at 3 AM. Time to get up. And then go back to bed after some things are cleaned up. Every day. But this morning was a little different from the mornings she’s been having lately. Honestly, it has been a definite feeling since last July.
Today there were tears welling up before she ever opened her eyes. (Yesterday was a realization.) Today, she has been defeated.
I can hear the faint whisper of my bed. Amy…
It’s sunny today. Sun, sun, sunny. So what… blah, blah, blah. This morning Amy wants to crawl into her hole and stay there for the remainder. She is in absolutely no mood to talk, cry, or laugh. Anything. She does have a few bulbs left to plant, so she will get outside today to do that. She is outside right now, breathing in the fresh, crisp air in hopes it will take away this headache.
Ugh…
A doctor called from Dr. Strickler’s office. Pain management and rehab. Maybe this is what I need. Or think I need. Maybe I don’t need anything at all. Leave me alone. I need positive waves, positive waves from someone besides myself.
I hate it. It is suffocating me out of life. I can’t… breathe… All I do is hold my breath.
And wait.
Wait, wait, wait…
In fact, I am waiting for Brian to call about the book(s). What am I going to say to him? Da, da, da…
These Words Are Mine
I wrote these books so that one or more people could read things I have never shared before, the things I cannot say. The words don’t, and/or won’t, come out of my mouth. These things I have never shared before are going to prove that I am not crazy or delirious. I have a fifty percent chance of proving the opposite.
This is a chance I am ready to take.
These things that I say are how I feel. And that… is real.
So…
For all you haters… watch out. I am here. And here I am. Says Sam I Am. Support or not. (I expect the latter.)
In turn, I don’t need it, nor want it. Not from you. This story wasn’t written about you. It was written about me. This story wasn’t written for you. This story was written for me. What gives you the right? You don’t have the right. This is mine. Mine, mine, mine. Go away and leave me alone. Let me do this. Let me believe. Hmmm…
Let me dream.
Let me feel. Let me write. Let me…
GO.
I’m bitter. (As I should be.)
This is all I have, and all I want. I will not stop.
Leave me alone.
I’m tired.
10/7.
No idea what day of the week it is.
Good night.