Coming Back to It
I used to love to study things that made me wonder. I used to meditate. I used to do yoga by myself on the porch. I used to love to grab a blanket and go to the wall. Oh my. It’s been a while. It’s all coming back to me now. More like I’m coming back to it.
I’m forcing myself.
My head feels heavy, and my face feels hot. I had a few X-rays of my neck yesterday. Sarah ordered them after reading the email Jason sent her. STAT. Next thing…
Stand to your left. Stand to your right. Look up. Now…
Open your mouth really wide.
And don’t move.
(Boy, does that bring back memories.)
Wait until Monday. Until then, we will get through today. And tomorrow.
Today is Saturday. It has been Saturday all day, a really quiet one. She got up early when she heard Logan open the bathroom door. (Close quarters.) He and some riding friends are going to Hocking Hills, south of Columbus. I looked it up online, and it looks like a beautiful place to visit, with waterfalls and hiking trails. Full of hills. And about fifteen motorcycles. Up, down. Down, up, and around. Fun, fun. It’s nice to see Logan get out and enjoy himself, even if he’s not in a car.
While he was gone, Jason and I watched football. It was the last Lions preseason game. Woo-hoo! I noticed Detroit’s kicker, Jake Bates. I had him on my team last year. This year too. A great kicker.
Oh…
By the way, he missed the first field goal.
Great. It has begun.
I fell asleep on the couch during the game and have no idea who won. Or lost. Typical. I’m just like my mother. Yep.
It has begun.
Welcome to New Song
Sunday, 12:44 PM.
It’s raining. Time to go in. And the diving birds are back!
Speaking of my mother…
I talked with Rick today, as I have been a lot lately. I can hear it, and I can feel it. It’s all over the place. Fear. I can practically smell it. I know when it’s there.
I wish it would go away.
By the way, I went to church today. Get this…
The sermon was about lies.
Yep.
Lies.
I’m growing.
Up, up, and away…
At the end of the sermon, the minister called me up to stand in front of the whole congregation while he introduced me and welcomed me to New Song. They smiled and clapped as I walked back to my seat. This was after Shawn gave me a certificate and a Bible study book.
I was hugged and included.
This is what I need.
Psst. I also need (want) something to smoke. I’m antsy. I have nothing to quiet down my head.
Today is payday, and there is never enough.
So…
(Time to start charging rent.)
It’s about time.
Jason is going to be the one to talk to him. Not me. That is not my job.
Well…
50%.
I’m tired of fighting it.
…so today?
I’m at 49%.
I’m out.
Back to Flow
I’m outside on the porch. Yep. (Surprise, surprise.)
I’ve been here since Logan left at seven. It’s been nice, sitting out here with Nala on my lap. But right now it’s sticky and humid, cloudy and damp. A rotten day, and I have things to do.
Such as cleaning up what I can, and what I want to. Take a shower, wash my hair, brush my teeth, do some reading.
All while I wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
A long…
Hot shower.
I have a teeny-tiny bit of fear going on this morning. I can feel it from the back of my neck to the middle of my spine. Ouch! I got bit by a mosquito!
On my chin. Ugh.
The mental and the physical. It’s back. (I think.) I’m not quite sure. What I am quite sure of is that I want a new doctor. But I can’t do that until after the appointment with Dr. Kahn. If this even happens.
This might be the beginning of something. Something that has been there once before.
(I have the records to prove it.)
Do you know what else is back?
Ava. Woo-hoo! She’s back!
And Jack!
They’re back because a new semester at school means yoga is back. It’s been too long. I hadn’t been there in a second. She started us off with Flow. FLOW. Not Yin. That’s not until Thursday. Good things come to those who wait.
Oh my.
I couldn’t keep my balance. I struggled. I tipped, I tripped, I swayed. Terrible. It was like I’d never exercised before. Like I was right back at the beginning. I think everyone was struggling. It kicked my butt. Jason’s too. Lol. I could hear him breathe. But in the end, it felt great.
Stretch…
And tonight Amy has a half-gallon of fresh milk, with a brand-new, unopened box of cereal. Apple-Cinnamon Cheerios. Yum, yum, yummy. Perfect for the end-of-season episode of Shrinking. (An awesome show, by the way. I love every character.) Right after that, she went directly to bed.
Jason’s bedtime.
Not a minute past eight. (PM.)
She’s been doing that quite often, going to bed at 8 PM. She’s also been going into the bedroom to sleep. The bed has been great.
Super comfortable.
Until Jason gets up.
After he gets up for work, Diamond gets up and hogs the bed until morning. She would stay in bed until afternoon if I let her. It’s like having two kids at home instead of one, the other being twenty-five years of age.
A-hem.
A-hem.
Anyway, she’s been sleeping more often, and better. Lol. Until last night. Jason snored me right out of bed around 1 AM. I nudged. I pushed. I even kicked him below the knees. He would not stop breathing. Oh my. I got up, went back down, got up, went back down, and so forth. On the billionth try, I said, “Forget it,” stood up, and started wandering. Lalala…
Right now she has Nala, her computer, and the fire pit. Pitch black, by the way. The yard lights are on but not visible. We moved the grills around yesterday because she’s sick of having no room for her yard stuff, so we pushed them in front of the garden view. Now I just see the trees, which is okay for today. They’re starting to change, mainly to light brown. But that will change again in due time. It’s only the end of summer. Warm days, cool nights. P.S. I have fresh lavender burning.
A total mess.
Oh. Lol. Speaking of…
Ha-ha-ha! Last night was the first Michigan football game.
Need I say more?
It’s ba-ack!
All the nonsense.
From all sides.
A New Pillow
When I fall asleep on the couch on Saturday, I toss and turn, roll over, open my eyes, back and forth, all through the game. Even though I’m only slightly awake, I’m also slightly aware. Ahem, ahem. I lay there and half-watched until the end of the game. It was during the last seconds, but still.
A Hail…Mary! Who cares, not me. Lucky them.
Here we go again.
BUT…
This season, I’m different.
He wouldn’t dare.
Would he?
Yesterday was Sunday. It was a Sunday not to go to church. (I need to go to church.) But I don’t want to go to church. Not today. Not this Sunday. My head is hurting.
I slept okay. Tossed and turned a bit, but nothing like the usual. Such as having pillows all over the bed and floor.
Typical.
This was because I was trying to get used to the new pillow that Aaron bought me. A wonderful gesture and a wonderful thought. He loves me as I love him.
This is going to be great!
My head just sinks down low as it cradles my neck. I look forward to going into the bedroom to sleep in the bed now.
It makes for a good morning.
Example…
Good morning.
See?
And it is a good morning today. Last night, though, she fell asleep during football and doesn’t remember what time she woke up. It was sometime between Jason leaving and Logan getting up for work.
P.S. She somehow ended up in the bedroom.
She wandered in there sometime during the morning with her new pillow. When she got up, she saw that Logan’s light was still on. (As it has been every once in a while.)
Two or five times a week, maybe.
Anyway, she entered his room to shut off the light…
BAM! AH!!!
Logan.
Still here.
Lol.
Breathe…
He was debating whether or not to go to work today. Just standing there. Staring off into space. Lalala…
Scared the crap out of me.
He ended up going into work this morning with a sniffle and a cough. Then in the afternoon he walked through the door, still coughing. That means tomorrow he’ll spend the day at home. In his room. Typical. He rarely comes out. I can’t say…
That I blame him. (Tight quarters.)
Jason is home for the fourth day in a row. AND…
He has Friday off.
Ugh.
I would like to spend some time at storage.
I’m cleaning out my closet…
Jason also took Monday off to go see a practitioner at Dr. Kahn’s office.
No peace.
They’re going to relay the results of my earlier testing, along with the results of my chest X-ray, stating that I have deteriorating hardware in my neck. Well…
I don’t.
A waste of time. Further testing and more therapy. Circles.
“But this therapy is different.”
So they say.
Amy actually wants to do this. They will look for the root of the problem.
Maybe.
Lol.
If…
The insurance lets them.
Letting Go of Things
10:55 PM.
She’s been up since sometime earlier. This is the first time she’s looked at the clock all night. But she knows she was up a lot earlier because Diamond was trying to get up on the couch on top of her feet. It woke Amy up immediately because her talons were on the uncovered leather.
Nope.
Not happening.
So…
Dishes are done. The laundry is drying. Candles are lit. I’ve been outside only two or three times so far tonight. It’s too cold. My blood is aging and thin.
I can hear Diamond breathing…
Ugh.
In between early this morning and now, Amy has gone through many things she needed to go through, for many years. This includes four chests, the same four chests that have been dragging her down for years.
Full of stuff.
She went through two of the four.
It took all night.
Pictures, books, magazines.
And…
She went through the hutch drawers. Flatware from all over. Gold-plated, some silver and silver-plated. I put it all in an old hat box that my mother saved under her bed. This is a box Amy had stored in a cupboard she rarely uses.
A cupboard that hasn’t been finished.
Ever.
Particle board.
Drafty.
Cheap.
STINKY!!!
(Lysol and essential oil. I’m out of lavender, so I used tea tree instead.)
Germ fighting.
Lol.
Gross.
Amy is trying to get the silver ready to be sold. All it’s doing is taking up the space that surrounds her.
Just sitting there.
It’s time to let go.
She’s spring cleaning in the fall.
Out with it!!!
Lol.
She woke Jason up around eight because she wanted to show him what she had been doing all night and morning. She was super excited that she’d finally done this. She went through some things that have been in her mother’s, now hers, hutch drawers. A lot of silver. Nice.
And filthy dirty.
Yep.
She has also been going through the things that need to be cleaned up. To toss or dust off. To put…
Somewhere.
Too much stuff. The storage room is getting bigger, fuller, and more expensive. Things I have no use for. Things my kids will have no use for. WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO WITH ALL OF THIS STUFF??!!
Clutter.
Not only was it the hutch, but it was also her jewelry box. That is where Linda’s 14-carat earrings were scattered about. Amy had some rings too. Her wedding ring was one, the first one Jason gave her. She kept losing the stone. A diamond. Poof, gone.
Then came (and went) the cubic zirconia.
Another loss.
The ring itself would not hold a stone. It is, was, beautiful. Designed by Jason himself. Nineteen ninety-six, maybe?
Sad to see it go.
But…
There is a time.
P.S.
It’s been time.
Chugga-chugga choo-choo!