Good Morning, Go Away
Good morning. It’s 9:09, and it’s a bright, sunny day with blue skies and a small breeze in the air. I can see the neighbor’s trees across the street swaying gently. I’m in the living room looking out, with the door open letting the fresh air flow through this lived-in trailer.
Animals, dishes, people.
Go away now!
It’s Thursday. I’ve been up since Jason left for work. I fell asleep on the couch again last night and woke up when Jason turned on the light to make his lunch. He’s not gentle or thoughtful enough to turn on a low light. He turns on the fluorescent kitchen light. BAM!
I didn’t move…
I covered my head and waited for him to close the door behind him. Lalala…
Now I’m trying to decide whether or not to go back to sleep in the bed. Or not. I’m awake, listening to Diamond chase something in her sleep. In a few more hours I will go back there. I usually go before Logan gets up, but not today. He’s at home waiting for some important mail, a part for his bike, I’m sure.
It’s going to be another beautiful day, with temperatures in the lower seventies and bright sunshine. I’m not sure, but I think I have an appointment with the minister today at 2 PM, and I need to text him this morning to double-check. As of now, I’m hoping not. But that could change. It mainly depends on whether this feeling I have this morning goes away. It’s been hanging on for a few days now. I’ve been wondering how to tell a certain somebody to go to hell without any backlash. Lol. Impossible.
Bring…
It.
On.
I have done something. I have finished something. I have accomplished something. Too bad if you don’t like it. I didn’t do this for you, and it wasn’t about you. It’s about me and for me. Not you. Neither one of you. Me, me, me. Mine, mine, mine. Don’t you dare (try) to bring me down.
What the good damn fuck???
Whywhywhy???
Why?
Jesus Christ…
Be my savior.
Amen.
A Busy, Quiet Day
3:15 AM.
Get organized.
Think, think, think…
Yesterday was busy. All day she cleaned up what surrounds her. (Not outside.) She cleaned the inside: the kitchen and bathroom, did the laundry and vacuuming, and moved things around. It was a good pick-up-and-dust-off kind of day, and a good day to think with only minor distractions. Logan was home. He mainly keeps to himself. I hear “good morning, Mom,” and then he is in his room on his computer. Or sleeping. Or doing something with his motorcycle. Busy-boy.
When Jason got home, they both went outside to attach something-or-other to his bike, to make it loud(er). OMG. I think it is now louder than Greg’s car. Lol. I sure hope not. Still… Fuck you, Greg. (Asshole.)
It was a nice, quiet day, and Amy got quite a bit accomplished, as long as she kept herself from stepping off of the back steps. She has more to do tomorrow, since she is doing some spring cleaning in the fall. But first, she must get through today.
The dishwasher is washing, and the counters have been wiped down. The kitchen is beginning to look somewhat decent for what it is. I have no idea how it smells. (Inside all day.)
Up, down, up, down…
I wish this sadness would go away. It’s rough. I make sure that I take my meds right for that sole purpose. But still… it is strong today. And my head hurts. And it’s cloudy. And, and, and…
I have a family.
Ugh.
There are some things that I am just not going to care about anymore.
Wouldn’t that be something?
Appleumpkin
Once again she woke up on the couch, wide awake, at about 2 AM. Full of thought. She wandered some and ended up on the back porch with no light on. I think the spiders and such are done for the season. They are not around much out here now. Now they are all inside the trailer. She does have her phone light to be sure, plus a little light from her garden lights. That’s it. She stays pretty well hidden in her corner of the porch: her, her table, and her fire pit. It’s a little chilly, freezing on her ears and feet, but it feels good on her forehead.
Appleumpkin is a big fall festival in Tecumseh every year. She made it a point not to do any self-shopping. There is a lot coming up in the next few weeks, birthdays, a wedding with parties and showers, and Christmas for the grandkids, and she wanted to buy for other people. They had a little money, so she was ready to browse. But…
When Rod and Marcia get here.
Wait, wait, wait…
Time for breakfast at a new diner in Adrian: two eggs over medium and rye toast with strawberry jam. Yummy, hot, and inexpensive for once.
Tecumseh was packed. Cars were parked everywhere, and people were all over the place. Ugh. We ended up finding a decent spot in the middle, but it was still a walk. Up and down. Back and forth. Armpit to armpit. People… breathing down my neck.
And then I saw it when I cut off into a slower-paced booth full of trinkets and glass. I heard it speak to me. Out loud…
Pick me, pick me!
Lol.
(Amy was having an inside gee attack.) Geee! There were so many to choose from, from big crystals to little crystals, some with more glass, some with less. Amy wanted one with more crystal and more cuts. The more cuts, the more the light sparkles and the more rainbows the crystal creates. There are a few more things I would like to get her, but this she can have forever.
Amy still has her mom’s. It’s a little chipped and broken, but it hangs on the back porch with her other shiny stuff. This is right up Haili’s alley. Bridal showers are different than ours in this generation. Much more at ease.
Lovely.
6:49 AM.
Logan just now got up for work. He’s going to be leaving in a few minutes. Lalala… Gone.
This is the beginning of another week, just the start. Jason stayed home to have an MRI done of his neck. Aummm… Amy has her MRI (of her neck) on the 22nd. Aummm… And then a different kind of doctor. AUMMM…
She wants to disappear.
Ex…
Omg.
Lol.
She played Trevor in fantasy football yesterday (and tonight). 0 and 5. 0 and 5. Need I say more? I want to quit it. It’s just not fun anymore. Sure… it’s fun with Aaron (and Kelly), but that’s it.
I have been pushed out.
I pushed myself out.
WHY???
It’s 1:08 AM, and I have a stomachache. Coffee… my vice.
The Ride to Ann Arbor
I woke up freezing cold, put on some clean pajamas with a sweatshirt, and let Diamond out. Who let the dogs out… Now I am sweaty hot, sitting in the living room staring off into space.
Thinking…
Thinking about the ride we had on the way to Ann Arbor yesterday. Lol. It was about the time we hit Saline, near Austin Road.
You know…
Ya should know… that being alone with one another in the car and hitting a certain marker point where we end up in an argument about something or other seems to happen every time we get into the car.
Always.
But this time we were going the opposite direction. (The same amount of minutes and miles.) Isn’t that saying something, Jason? Am I the only one who can hear it??
Time for a change.
Outside I go. It’s not cold. It’s not hot either. There are no bugs and no spiders. Yay. The air is still and the lights are dimly shining up the garden. She moved one light to the back of her garden, away from her view, and it looks better this way. Jason took down the light that hasn’t been working while Amy covered the wires with more red mulch.
Yep. They bought more mulch, in different colors, for different gardens! Depth… Jason needed to raise the outlining bricks that were sinking into the ground, so we had to get more mulch to make it look even and clean. Tidy-tidy. But the table is covered with garden stuff that wasn’t finished during the day. (Tomorrow.) Jason is gone, so Amy is going to clean her room, open the window, and try to sleep until nine. Ha-ha. She will set her alarm just in case, because she has a meeting at 10 AM for a prayer group at her church.
That gives her about five hours.
Five hours…
Prayer, Errands, and Tiger Colors
The meeting was good. A little different, something I have never done or even thought was done. It was nice. It was positive. (Don’t get much of that feeling at home.)
At all.
There were a few people there, and Amy was only slightly uncomfortable. But… she is putting in the work, in everything that she does. She couldn’t get home fast enough. Run, run, run…
Not long after she was home, Jason came in excited to finish something he has been working on these past few days. He is trying to sand the rust off the Jeep. He had to get a few special things for it, and they came in the mail, so he has begun. While the whatever-he-needed was drying, they took off and went to Adrian. Four stops. We left for one purpose but ended up fulfilling some other tasks that need to be done before the weekend gets here. First of all, we were hungry. It was around four PM when we left, so we went to the new diner in Adrian. (B.L.T.)
Just like my mom.
And they went to the grocery store, of course. But no food. Just cleaning products and bathroom stuff. Always something needed. And then they went to Lowe’s. (Home Depot, whatever. I never remember.)
Anyway, Amy had the idea this morning to paint a few walls in the trailer this winter. She had the color picked out already when Jason came in through the door. But.
Wait, wait, wait…
She didn’t want to hit him with this until he was settled.
A shade of orange…
Perfect. Lol. And blue.
Tiger colors.
Tiger Colors and Winter Plans
Not really orange-orange. A gold-toned, orangey-tan color that matches the furniture and the carpet. The blue on the walls, contrast. Maybe. Probably not, but I like it. (Bosc Pear.) And three blues.
This is going to take forever. She will start at the side of the trailer with the driveway and work her way down to the other side, so she can just shift the furniture down the wall rather than putting everything in the middle of the room. It is still a mess, but it’s a more organized mess, one that she is not going to be able to clean quite soon enough. But that is probably not until Monday. Busy-busy. Things to do…
Things…
To do.
A Shower, a Long Drive, and the Truth
It’s Saturday. Logan left early, at 8:30, for a car show in Saline. By 10, Jason was gone too. He just left for Robbie’s thing-a-ma-jig at the golf course in Saline. They are all, including Logan, not me, going to meet at the course for nine holes. After that they are going shooting at the range by where Rod and Marcia live. Woo-hoo! Ugh. Whatever.
And then we will meet for the bridal shower at 2 PM. That is when Amy will get there. Not a minute earlier. She is driving herself, so she will turn on some music, open a window, and let fresh air blow away her reality of today, and tomorrow. It is beautiful today. Sunny, and cold. Not cold-cold. Chilly. Sweatshirt weather!!
Or…
Long tank-top dress with a long-sleeve shirt weather. Maybe tights. Maybe not. Most definitely socks. Maybe ankle boots. Who knows… Not me. Ever.
Ankle boots it is. She is dressed warm, and the sun was bright, not a cloud in sight. It felt good on her arms and legs the whole way there. She kept thinking that she was going the wrong way. It took forever. After pleasant Lake Road, there are a few other roads you can whirl around on to get there, but she was focused and stuck to just moving straight ahead. Parker to Jackson. Turn right. BAM! Lol. On the way back… lol.
Circles.
Ugh.
But she found her way home.
Bethel church was a place for Courtney and Robby to meet up with the boys to go either there, or here, years ago, when we lived in Tecumseh. Speaking of beautiful Bethel church, when she woke up this morning on the couch, the first thing that came to mind, before she even opened her eyes, was that she wasn’t going to go to church today. She kind of thought that last night, but she was sure this morning. She woke up clear as day. She wishes she had slept in bed last night. She slept hard and through the night. There was light coming in from outside, and she knew it was later because the sun takes a while to shine on that side of the trailer. That is when she opens up everything. (The shade on her porch.)
Today was perfect for it. Streccchhh… She can’t stretch enough today. She was outside on the porch rug mainly to stretch her torso, but the floor was hard on her knees.
Speaking of… knee-jerk reaction.
Yeah.
Amy had a knee-jerk reaction to Jason talking about his MRI results, and that he will find out more on Thursday, when he has his video conference. The same video conference he scheduled for the time of her MRI. I’m driving myself to that. So what. This is what I want.
Right??
But.
Butbutbutbutbut…
This is not who I am.
But…
This is who I want to be.
Maybe. I say that because it set off a barrage of insults from him, and Amy responded with a barrage of insults of her own, becoming self-righteous in the process. “Paybacks are…” yada-yada. Because she knows that she is right. It doesn’t make her feel good. In fact, she feels quite awful. But she has no room for the nonsense, lies, whatever.
The truth.
Some of us can’t handle the truth.
(Movie quote, movie quote.)